Good Friday, at least for retail workers!

May I just start by saying “Hahahaha!” to all the people who don’t have to work today. Certainly sucks for you!

OK, so today is “Good Friday” which is a Bank Holiday. I keep hearing people spout about the lovely 4 day week they’ve got and how they’ve got 5 days off in a row but it makes me chuckle to myself. What are you gonna do with your time? Go out? Everybody is off so the roads are busy! Sit about all day? Nothing special about that!

Photo by Osvaldo Gago at

Photo by Osvaldo Gago at

I get to go to work and do what I do day in, day out and get this, I get paid double! That’s right twice as much money for doing exactly the same job. What’s that? You get a day off and get paid? That was an option for me too. That or being paid my normal pay and having an extra day off when the roads aren’t busy.

Life is hard isn’t it?

A big shout out to everybody else who works in retail… If we didn’t go to work today, the rest of the country would have nothing to do…

Don’t get angry, rant into your phone!

These days I find myself getting angrier and angrier. I’m blaming society since that’s the only thing that I can think of to blame. Most people are only out for what they can get (hopefully for free) and they don’t care who they have to step on to get it. Working in retail, I see this daily. But what can we do about it?

We cannot change the world. We cannot even change things on a local level. Heck, we cannot even change a room full of people. So now what? Instead of trying to change everybody, we can change ourselves.

Photo by Tim Parkinson on Flickr

Photo by Tim Parkinson on Flickr

I’ve found (and this is no mystical secret) that ranting helps me feel better. I take all the negative crap that I’ve had to deal with and let it all out verbally, usually in 4 letter bursts. Sometimes I let rip whilst my wife sits back and listens (and laughs) but other times I do it into my phone. Yes, I use the voice recording function to vent. Why is that? Because it makes me feel less crazy otherwise I’d be on my own in a room ranting at nobody. I never listen back to these recordings and usually opt to have a mass delete session at the end of the week. By golly it helps!

Next time you want to let off steam, do it into your phone. Helps me no end!

Tired, can’t sleep

I’m tired and cannot sleep. It’s a dichotomy that drives me mad. I lie here, wide awake, trying to go to sleep, much to no avail.

As far as days go, it’s not been bad. I do curse the Easter holidays though. Everywhere I go, it’s crawling with kids. I don’t like kids. They’re noisy, they misbehave and they have a habit of staring at me. I don’t know why but they do. I can remember once, I gave a kid a horrible look and it ran away upset. One of the best days of my life!

The Saga of the Mug Tree

Earlier today I got up and looked out my window to discover… well I’ll let my tweet do the talking:

So that’s a bit weird isn’t it? I went outside and gave it a quick look over. It seemed that it was a perfectly functioning mug tree. Why was it on my wall? I didn’t want to keep it nor did I want it to have permanent residence on my wall so I put it in the recycling bin (also pictured).

Surely that’s the end of the story? Not in these parts! A little while later, there was a timid knock on my door. “Have you got my mug tree?” A rather weathered looking man inquired. “Sorry what?” I answered, not sure about what was going on. “Someone said they saw my mug tree on your wall earlier. My wife keeps taking it with her when she walks the dog and she keeps leaving it places.”

Seriously, what the Heck is going on? I fished it out of the recycling and the man went on his merry way.

What a morning!

Lies from a child

Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney

I’m not the sort of person to call somebody a liar but I just heard a small child of about 8 just say to his playmate that his name is Wayne Rooney.

Call me a skeptic but I think he’s making that up… The notion that at 8 he’s a multimillionaire who plays football for a living is, how can I put this? Not likely… Well for one the kid is too young to be a professional footballer. I suppose it totally possible that perhaps his name is genuinely Wayne Rooney but what are the chances of that?

I can remember some of the tall tales I would tell as a youngster. I claimed that I had a Nan in New Zealand who I would go and see each night by going through some intricate pipes. She would make me cakes as I would sit there playing the latest He-Man computer game which I got to level 100 on… Looking back on that, it sounds ridiculous but I can remember at least one person believing me.

It’s funny though as there are fully grown adults that still go about making stuff up. Wherever they go they have to spout nonsense in the hope that they’ll impress people… and I don’t just mean those ruddy politicians.

Once a week, skip brushing your teeth!

How many hours did this dude stand like that to be painted?

Tip: Don’t yawn in someone’s face if you’ve not brushed your teeth…

Each weekend either on a Saturday or a Sunday I will forgo dental hygiene. I’m not sure how this started but it’s a day that I kinda look forward to each week.

I think it started one Saturday when I was all on my own and I kept putting off brushing my teeth for whatever reason. This started to happen each week and it soon became part of my routine. By the end of the day my mouth does feel gross but the next day when I finally do my daily routine of flossing and brushing, oh my! It feels almost heavenly!

It’s weird but I don’t care. It’s the little things like this that makes life worth living… One day a week I don’t brush my teeth. Big flippin’ deal! There could be a lot worse things I could be doing.

For clarification, I only do this on days when I don’t leave the house. It would be against everybody else’s human rights if I was to go about town with my stinky shit breath.

For further clarification, there is no evidence to suggest if this is a good or bad idea for your mouth (or the people around you). It’s intended as an exercise to exert your powers of laziness.