I do my best to not sound pretentious but I need to get my thoughts across and to some, that might make me sound like a douche bag.
I enjoy ambiguity. I like people not to know me completely. Could I be any more pretentious with such a stupid thing to say. People who know me, know me well. People who don’t don’t always know how to take me because of me apparent wishy-washy stance on certain topics. I love it when people have to outright ask me where I am on certain topics and I will always answer as honestly as I can. It’s the way I’m wired.
In my spare time I study different religions. I find them fascinating and usually have a small nugget of information based on a lot of religions. That’s my most asked question when I discuss religion. Do I believe in God? It always a tough answer to give because you don’t know the leanings of the person and how their response will be. A simple yes / no question rumbles into potential loss of respect. I always answer honestly because there’s no point pretending to agree with someone’s beliefs just to save face.
I nearly didn’t bother writing this post. I was going to shut my laptop down and then watch TV but instead I chose to write.
I actually don’t know what to write so this is turning into a META mess. That’s what I find so bloody funny with those “Get Rich Quick Scheme” type books where they outline how to get rich but actually don’t show you anything. The person who wrote the book is only rich because they wrote a book for saps to show them to get rich quick.
I bought a book actually. On how to Bullet Journal. It’s something I’ve written about only yesterday. I have always been impressed with the man who popularized the bullet journal because he never sold his idea. He just gave it to the world but here I am giving him money. Do you know what? I don’t think he was in it for the money so he’s alright.
It’s late. I don’t feel tired. I am getting my life in order. I am going to give “Bullet Journalling” again. I think it’s something I can get behind. I am not an unorganized person but I struggle with to-do lists and keeping a journal and keeping a Bullet Journal ticks all the boxes for me. I am not going to go into what a Bullet Journal is, instead I’ll just point you in the direction of the guy’s video.
I love the idea of the Bullet Journal. Ryder Carroll came up with the concept for it and rather than initially monetizing his idea, he just released it to the world. Much like I am doing with “Bokeism“.
As my mind meanders this morning I am drawn back into the idea of writing something. At this point I don’t know what about but that never would stop me before. Usually by the end of the first sentence I would have a basic outline and then I delete the first paragraph as it’s the spark of inspiration that I usually needed.
I felt accomplished last night because I finally published a blog post. I meditated and got back on the road that I once left. It’s too easy to leave it. Sometimes it’s easier to avoid it, it’s easier to want to do something than to do it. I picked up some bad habits over the past nine months and I am going to blame the anti-depressants that I was on.
Not for a single moment am I saying to everybody to throw their pills in the bin. My decision to come off them was because during my last counseling session my counselor told me that I don’t need them any more and that I should come off them in a few months gradually which is what I did. It wasn’t easy but I needed to do it.
The strangest feeling was when the tablets started to wear off. My brain felt sharper. I started to have more concentration. Granted the bad days I have are bad but my brain is able to process what it is I’m feeling and that it will pass.
I had stepped away from my old way of thinking and although in some cases that is great, I stepped away from years of studying various Buddhist philosophies. The quest I was on for answers to life was paused. I’m unpausing. I loved that quest.
When speaking to someone earlier, I realized that I miss writing a journal. I fell out of the habit along with lots of other things. I have stopped doing things that I enjoy doing for one reason or another.
I once was a prolific blogger and writer but something inside me changed. I stopped.
A major factor has definitely been my decline in mental health due to certain events over the past year. I didn’t want to write how I was feeling because it made me sad and it wasn’t something that I thought I would want to read years down the road.
The ironic and sad thing about this is that I have been on a soul searching quest and it would have been a fantastic time for me to have been writing. I see the past 9 months as time in the wilderness. It’s time for me to come back.
I used to meditate every day. I still meditate but it’s informal and deep down and I think that it’s just me closing my eyes when I’m on my lunch break.
I was a huge reader but I just stopped.
I have more time on my hands than I’ve ever had before. What am I doing? I need to come home from the wilderness but I don’t. I enjoy it. But the flickers I keep getting from certain past times from times past is making me want to come back in.
I don’t have New Year Resolutions. I don’t believe in them. I believe the changes you want to make can be made when you want. For me, they happened to coincide with the new year. I manage to meditate before I went to work. I just need to write later and I’m good. I feel positive, I feel good, I feel energised.
I am getting my life back on track. A lot of the things that I did have fallen by the wayside because of mental unrest due to going through a breakup and trying to build a life on my own. I stopped meditating, I stopped blogging and I stopped taking care of my mental wellbeing.
I have finally got around to sorting my desk out. I now have a designated place for me to write my journal. I would love to write every day but I don’t think that I would ever get around to doing it.
I have finally got around to sorting out a designated place for my to meditate. I will meditate everyday. I know the benefits and I am frustrated at myself for letting my habits slip.
I am going to do what I can to look after myself. I’m not saying that I don’t look after myself but I used to have a bedtime which seems to have disappeared. I go to bed so late these days that I know that the lack of sleep I have is affecting my mental health.
I will try write everyday or at least as often as I can. I love writing and it’s fantastic therapy.
It’s 2019. Last year has so much change for me I am not the same person I was this time last year. I am single and I have my own flat. It was a tough year. The darkest year I’ve ever experienced and not something I would wish upon anyone. Not even an enemy. Begs the question why the person I loved was fine doing it to me. I’ll never know. I’m not saying onwards and upwards. I just want to be content.