Lonely ghost

It’s OK to say you’re not OK. I’m not OK.

It’s hard to explain how I feel but I’ll do my best.

I feel like a ghost. That’s the only way I can describe it. I feel as though I float around, occasionally someone will see me and interact with me. The novelty wears off and I’m back to being alone and a ghost again. I go back home to haunt the place I pretend to have a life in. I can cope with being alone but when my mind decides to step in everything get skewed.

I am tired. My brain has facts and gaps and the gaps are being filled in with bullshit.

A fear of mine is that people will get bored of me. It’s unsurprising that I have a complex about this since my wife left me.

I think people just get bored of me. There’s only so much people can stomach of me before they get bored.

I’m not the me from 3 months ago

I sometimes just want to write exactly what I’m thinking like a stream of consciousness. I’m having one of those times now. I just feel philosophical and reflective. To say the last couple of months have been eventful would be putting it bluntly. As tough as the time has been for me I feel stronger for it and I feel as though I’m making my way to a good place, albeit a very different one to what I am used to.

I’ve applied to rent a flat. It would be easier for me to stay where I am but my neighbours don’t like me, the flat I found is cheaper and this house holds too many memories for me and really, I need to start somewhere new. Almost as if it’s a “being born” again but as a different me to what I was.

We’re never really ourselves. Our minds are reshaping constantly. I’m not the same me who was around at the beginning of March. I’m a completely different person. I now have friends, I socialize. I’m also working on me feeling uncomfortable when I hug people. I’ve not done this before.

I feel truly blessed knowing the people that I know. Who’d have known I could find more people to like me.

Broken (Biscuit Poem)

Imperfectly excluded from their own packets.
A second chance looms in a place with other ones.
Perfectly included in a community.
Repackaged within a box of broken biscuits.

Life’s mistakes.
Broken bakes.
Cardboard box.
Lots in stock.

How things are and how they are going

I am getting back on my feet. I’m looking into getting a flat of my own. I’m very excited about that prospect. I mean, I am currently living in a house that I can ill-afford between two neighbours who I can only say have a strange, strong dislike of me for whatever reason.

I’m surrounded by good people. I am fortunate in that way. I have a fantastic circle of friends and a family that I wouldn’t change for the world. Everyone is great.

I am writing this as I wait to start my second session of cognitive behavioral therapy. I think it has helped me so far. There have been times when I have had these horrible thoughts and I’ve been able to process them better which I am happy about.

I think that I am in a good place. I’ve not felt down for over a week and the suicidal thoughts haven’t been around for a few weeks. I am making great progress.

Progress!

I am making progress. I have become lazy recently when it comes to housework but today I had a massive blitz. All my washing is done, ironed and put away. Same with my washing up. It feels good to be productive again.

The last mental meltdown was six days ago. I’m happy that it’s been that long. Its a bloody relief. I know I’m not out of the woods yet but it’s a victory I want to mark. I get upset a lot less which of great.

My relationship with my estranged wife has got to a good place too. Its less and less awkward each day.

Things are going alright and in the right direction.

Moment to Moment

We need to pay respects to everything. The chance that everything around us has come together to create that moment as we perceive it to be is mind-blowing.

There is nothing wrong in ritual as long as it isn’t detrimental to anyone or anything.

Moment to moment, we cease to exist. Each second that passes will never be repeated nor can it be properly recorded.

Swipe right. Swipe left. Why not?

Seeing the ups and downs

I write this in bed. I feel obliged to write because I didn’t post anything yesterday. I had a weird day yesterday. I had a day of ups and downs today and it’s not been fun. However, as I mentioned before, when I’m lucid I “build a strong foundation” for when I’m feeling down. Although it didn’t snap me out of my funk, I was able to rationally think and notice that I was down. In fact I was able to realize that I would snap out of it soon. Frustratingly although I knew all the tell-tale signs were there, I was unable to stop it.

 

Lucid in the sky with diamonds

I’ve been feeling really good today. I feel positive and as though things are actually going alright. It’s at these times that I do what I can to build a strong foundation for myself when I’m not feeling good. It’s like I’m also my carer for when I’m down.

I’ve set up a few triggers for when I’m down. If people send me a text with the words “you’ll be OK” I will send out a tweet stating “this too will pass” and I’ll be sent a notification to my phone a link and an image to try snap me out of my funk.

I bought myself a bracelet. I think it will genuinely help me stay grounded. I often refer to myself when I’m like this as “Lucid Carl”. I consider the bracelet to be the ever present presence of “Lucid Carl”. The next time my brain starts spiraling I hope the the bracelet will help anchor and remind me that the mood I’m in will pass.

I’m embracing who I am. I’m letting me meet myself and become more comfortable. It’s really nice. I’m actually quite an alright person.