How things are and how they are going

I am getting back on my feet. I’m looking into getting a flat of my own. I’m very excited about that prospect. I mean, I am currently living in a house that I can ill-afford between two neighbours who I can only say have a strange, strong dislike of me for whatever reason.

I’m surrounded by good people. I am fortunate in that way. I have a fantastic circle of friends and a family that I wouldn’t change for the world. Everyone is great.

I am writing this as I wait to start my second session of cognitive behavioral therapy. I think it has helped me so far. There have been times when I have had these horrible thoughts and I’ve been able to process them better which I am happy about.

I think that I am in a good place. I’ve not felt down for over a week and the suicidal thoughts haven’t been around for a few weeks. I am making great progress.

Progress!

I am making progress. I have become lazy recently when it comes to housework but today I had a massive blitz. All my washing is done, ironed and put away. Same with my washing up. It feels good to be productive again.

The last mental meltdown was six days ago. I’m happy that it’s been that long. Its a bloody relief. I know I’m not out of the woods yet but it’s a victory I want to mark. I get upset a lot less which of great.

My relationship with my estranged wife has got to a good place too. Its less and less awkward each day.

Things are going alright and in the right direction.

Moment to Moment

We need to pay respects to everything. The chance that everything around us has come together to create that moment as we perceive it to be is mind-blowing.

There is nothing wrong in ritual as long as it isn’t detrimental to anyone or anything.

Moment to moment, we cease to exist. Each second that passes will never be repeated nor can it be properly recorded.

Swipe right. Swipe left. Why not?

Seeing the ups and downs

I write this in bed. I feel obliged to write because I didn’t post anything yesterday. I had a weird day yesterday. I had a day of ups and downs today and it’s not been fun. However, as I mentioned before, when I’m lucid I “build a strong foundation” for when I’m feeling down. Although it didn’t snap me out of my funk, I was able to rationally think and notice that I was down. In fact I was able to realize that I would snap out of it soon. Frustratingly although I knew all the tell-tale signs were there, I was unable to stop it.

 

Lucid in the sky with diamonds

I’ve been feeling really good today. I feel positive and as though things are actually going alright. It’s at these times that I do what I can to build a strong foundation for myself when I’m not feeling good. It’s like I’m also my carer for when I’m down.

I’ve set up a few triggers for when I’m down. If people send me a text with the words “you’ll be OK” I will send out a tweet stating “this too will pass” and I’ll be sent a notification to my phone a link and an image to try snap me out of my funk.

I bought myself a bracelet. I think it will genuinely help me stay grounded. I often refer to myself when I’m like this as “Lucid Carl”. I consider the bracelet to be the ever present presence of “Lucid Carl”. The next time my brain starts spiraling I hope the the bracelet will help anchor and remind me that the mood I’m in will pass.

I’m embracing who I am. I’m letting me meet myself and become more comfortable. It’s really nice. I’m actually quite an alright person.

This too shall pass

Having written yesterday about how I need to remember the phrase “THIS TOO SHALL PASS” I have felt grounded. It’s an anchor and there have been times today when I’ve felt a wobble here and there. It’s great to feel it.

I need to pay attention to all the philosophy stuff that I have read and pondered on the last couple of years. This is where it all comes into it’s own. If only the rational side of my brain would shout loud enough. When I was feeling shitty the other day, someone asked me “What advice would you give someone in your situation?” I just declined to respond saying “I’m not in the mood for that.” How silly.

I’m working on doing something as a reminder to myself to remember the impermanence of life. I just need to find a way.

Moments of lucidity

I keep having moments of lucidity. Other times my mind runs away with itself. It frustrating. I like when the lucid times come because it gives me a little while to work out what is going on in my brain.

One of the frustrating things about mental illness is that your brain can run away with itself. I can be fine and then something will set off my brain to think that I’m a worthless piece of shit. This is what happened to me earlier, after an hour my mind was clear and concise. I feel bad for my estranged wife who usually ends up getting all the messages of how much I hate myself and how she was right to leave me.

I need to remember this phrase: THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I’m going to have to find a way for me to have a reminder on me at all times.

But what? I’m thinking some sort of bracelet.

The Up and The Downs

Here I am. I’ve not posted in a while because my mental illness has flared up. Just over two months ago, my wife left me. We had been together for ten years and married for five. I’m not going to go into any more detail about that but I want to share how felt mentally.

It was a shot out of the dark and it sent me on a spiral with ups and downs. I’ve actually felt so much better recently but a couple of days ago I found out that she’s already moving on and it sent me on a spiral to where I was when she first left me. Those two months of hard work seemingly wiped out.

We’ve decided to not have any contact for a little while so I can get better.

I feel as though it’s the right way to go. I’m surrounded by really good people who go beyond the call of being supportive. I couldn’t ask to be surrounded by better people.