Moments of lucidity

I keep having moments of lucidity. Other times my mind runs away with itself. It frustrating. I like when the lucid times come because it gives me a little while to work out what is going on in my brain.

One of the frustrating things about mental illness is that your brain can run away with itself. I can be fine and then something will set off my brain to think that I’m a worthless piece of shit. This is what happened to me earlier, after an hour my mind was clear and concise. I feel bad for my estranged wife who usually ends up getting all the messages of how much I hate myself and how she was right to leave me.

I need to remember this phrase: THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

I’m going to have to find a way for me to have a reminder on me at all times.

But what? I’m thinking some sort of bracelet.

The Up and The Downs

Here I am. I’ve not posted in a while because my mental illness has flared up. Just over two months ago, my wife left me. We had been together for ten years and married for five. I’m not going to go into any more detail about that but I want to share how felt mentally.

It was a shot out of the dark and it sent me on a spiral with ups and downs. I’ve actually felt so much better recently but a couple of days ago I found out that she’s already moving on and it sent me on a spiral to where I was when she first left me. Those two months of hard work seemingly wiped out.

We’ve decided to not have any contact for a little while so I can get better.

I feel as though it’s the right way to go. I’m surrounded by really good people who go beyond the call of being supportive. I couldn’t ask to be surrounded by better people.

I’m mentally ill

Recently my mental illness has flared up in spectacular form and I’ve had to admit defeat and go onto antidepressants. This is something I’ve avoided because I’ve been able to deal with depression through a mixture of over the counter supplements (St John’s Wort and Vitamin B12) and mindfulness and meditation. But these things have stopped working and I’ve felt the worst I’ve ever felt. In fact, even with the antidepressants I still have bouts of lethargy and sadness for no reason.

I want to talk candidly about these things as I do not feel ashamed about it. In fact, I want to encourage others to talk about it too.

When I’m feeling really low I start getting paranoid and dark intrusive thoughts.

The paranoia could be anything from someone standing on a pavement. This will make me think that I’m going to get mugged or stabbed. It can be triggered by someone speeding down the road and I feel myself bracing myself in case they slam right into me. As well as people’s opinions of me. I convince myself that I’m worthless and a waste of space.

The dark intrusive thoughts are more scary though. I have these momentary thoughts of doing stupid things. I was on the bus the other day and my backpack was particularly heavy that day. As I got off the bus near the river I had this thought of running up to it and jumping in. I would never do anything like that which is why it’s scary to even have that thought enter my head.

I’m very fortunate to have a network of people who support me and make sure that I am ok. It’s tough and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though I can’t see it yet.