Journal

I’m mentally ill

Recently my mental illness has flared up in spectacular form and I’ve had to admit defeat and go onto antidepressants. This is something I’ve avoided because I’ve been able to deal with depression through a mixture of over the counter supplements (St John’s Wort and Vitamin B12) and mindfulness and meditation. But these things have stopped working and I’ve felt the worst I’ve ever felt. In fact, even with the antidepressants I still have bouts of lethargy and sadness for no reason.

I want to talk candidly about these things as I do not feel ashamed about it. In fact, I want to encourage others to talk about it too.

When I’m feeling really low I start getting paranoid and dark intrusive thoughts.

The paranoia could be anything from someone standing on a pavement. This will make me think that I’m going to get mugged or stabbed. It can be triggered by someone speeding down the road and I feel myself bracing myself in case they slam right into me. As well as people’s opinions of me. I convince myself that I’m worthless and a waste of space.

The dark intrusive thoughts are more scary though. I have these momentary thoughts of doing stupid things. I was on the bus the other day and my backpack was particularly heavy that day. As I got off the bus near the river I had this thought of running up to it and jumping in. I would never do anything like that which is why it’s scary to even have that thought enter my head.

I’m very fortunate to have a network of people who support me and make sure that I am ok. It’s tough and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, even though I can’t see it yet.

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