Why am I me?

The last few days I’ve tried to find an answer to see why I act the way I do. I made a brief post about this a couple of days ago but I feel as though I want to go into more detail.

If you ever meet me in real life, depending on what circumstances I will probably try make you laugh some way. I like to make people laugh, even if it’s self-deprecating. Self-deprecation works very well. You paint yourself as a loser, a failure, someone who is at the lowest possible point of existence. Someone who’s stupid. A problem with that is that people like to play along with it and it gets to a point that it’s expected of you to act dumb or whatever. This will sound arrogant but I consider myself quite intelligent and when I switch out the self-deprecation for showing how smart I actually am, it’s met with confusion.

When I’m online though, it’s the complete opposite. I like to show off the other side of my personality. The side which is intelligent. The side that is conscientious and interested in philosophy.

I experimented at work. I held off making jokes with people. Not only did I find it very relaxing, I felt less stressed. I didn’t have to perform.

Life is a performance. I find myself performing constantly with people. There are few people who I don’t have to do this with; my wife and my family.

I guess another part of it is not revealing the real me. What if people didn’t like the other side of my personality? The side of my personality that I most identify with.

It’s interesting and not something that I’ll ever fully understand.

Carl

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