I just want contentment

It’s 2019. Last year has so much change for me I am not the same person I was this time last year. I am single and I have my own flat. It was a tough year. The darkest year I’ve ever experienced and not something I would wish upon anyone. Not even an enemy. Begs the question why the person I loved was fine doing it to me. I’ll never know. I’m not saying onwards and upwards. I just want to be content.

Where I am

I do my best to update my blog as often as I can but I struggle. There are times when I go through things and I simply don’t feel like writing about it. There are other times where I want to talk about things but then just don’t get around to it.

I’ve just finished a delete cycle. I have mental illness which means my brain acts out in strange ways. My usual exercise is deleting myself from the internet. This means any and all accounts for whatever website I can find a way of deleting myself.. I do this more often than I want to admit. Twitter is always a weird one as I don’t know why I use it. I never get any reaction on there and I only ever end up using it to promote the blog that you’re reading right now and ironically, people don’t look for this blog on Twitter. They look for it on Google (If they look for it at all).

It’s a weird time of year for me at the end of the worst year of my life (The worst year but a year that has had a lot of personal growth). The weather is crap and Christmas is approaching which is the perfect storm for me feeling like crap.

I’m going to actively try write as much as I can on here. I am a firm advocate for writing a journal and I should really practice what I preach.

 

My deletion

I’m sad.

Whenever I’m low I go on a rampage and do what’s possible to delete any traces of myself from the internet.

In thirty days, my Twitter and Facebook are scheduled for permanent deletion.

I’ve deleted WhatsApp too. I’m on self destruct mode.

That’s how I’m feeling.

So this happened

This year has been one hell of a year. It’s been an extremely testing time but it’s hard to see if it has been worth it because of all the personal growth it has achieved. Looking back it’s hard to imagine the life once lived. Things have changed so much that it’s been a case of learning how to adapt and how to not make the same mistake time after time.

Friends are so important. There is usually someone about to talk to if you know where you should be looking.

Deadlines are shit

Last night I fell asleep watching TV. I woke up at 6am very confused and I went to bed shortly after that. It means that my streak of writing everyday has been ruined. So I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter about doing stuff daily. I am someone who likes to put rules and goals on things. Deadlines are something I like but I think that they can work or not. The pressure to get something done can create a whole manner of things, good but usually bad.

I want to write about my life and sometimes it’s not interesting. Yesterday specifically I just was tired and slept a Hell of a lot as I watched a Netflix series. I’m watching “The Staircase” and I don’t know what to think about it. I mean, I think he maybe innocent but he and his legal team are so unlikable. I watched “Making A Murderer” and I think he’s innocent or the case against him is so flimsy.

I’m visiting my parents later on.

The Arbitration of Things

When I set out to start blogging daily again I imposed the arbitrary 24 hour period that we class as a day. I don’t subscribe to that notion anymore. My day starts when I wake up and finishes when I go to sleep. I woke up at 5.45am and I’ll be going to sleep at 2am. That is my day today.

My day hasn’t been eventful, just nice and relaxed. I hung out with one of my buddies, just shooting the shit with an occasional philosophical bent. I want to start a podcast soon and I hope that they will be a guest on it.

I feel that my mind is opening wider by the day. I am seeing things differently and I am interested in the path that I am taking. It’s hard to explain what it feels like when I am in a philosophical mood. I feel alive and that by thought alone, I can probably make myself feel happier. There were times yesterday where I was what I called “blissed out”. I felt happy and content and couldn’t imagine feeling bad ever again. I am surrounded by positive people. The year I’m having I think I deserve it

On A Plane

This year has seen a lot of change for me. A mixture of both good and bad. The best thing that has happened to me is that I have made a lot of friends. I do things and go to places I would never would have. Last night for example, I went on a night out that started as a drink down a pub to getting back from a gay club which’s interior is based on the interior of a plane to fool your friends that you’re actually on a plane at 4am.

I’m in a gay club that looks like a plane.

I think I understand what the weekend is supposed to be.

I’m not a morning person

Today is one of those days that I need to get up freakishly early to go to work. I don’t know why but I decided that I would sacrifice fifteen minutes of my sleep to get up early to write this before I go to work.

I don’t like getting up early. I’m not a person who can physically cope well with getting up early. My body goes on strike and I start to feel nauseated. I know it passes but feeling like I’m going to be sick.

Do I regret my decision to get up a little earlier so I can write this?  Maybe a very small amount but I wanted to get this part of my brain up and running very early on in the day in the hope that the creative juices that are flowing will flow throughout the day.

I mean, who would getup at 5.45am for a laugh?