I feel as though I’m in a good place. I am surrounded by lots of great people and I’m meeting lots of new friends all the time. Over the last few months I have lost contact with some people because of what has recently been going on in my life. But tonight I decided that it was time to rebuild those connections.
I have rejoined the Labour party.
I feel good today. Yesterday wasn’t a good day. It was horrible. Today though, I feel pretty good.
I feel as though I have a new perspective of things. I still live the idea of getting a bean bag. A bean bag can improve any room and create a room.
I’m going to go to bed.
I want stew.
A room is a room when it develops character. I live in a small flat. It has four rooms but I’m going to add more by using a bean bag. I’m going to get a bean bag so I can sit in my hall, my landing and kitchen. I’ve basically added three rooms to my house.
Everywhere in your house should be able to double as another room.
Floors hoovered and swept regularly.
So I was cycling home late at night from a fun evening with a close friend when I saw a UFO in the sky. As it sunk in a bird flew right at me. An owl. Maybe a seagull flew right into my face nearly knocking me off balance of my bike. Composed, I realised that I had just witnessed something amazing.
It’s OK to say you’re not OK. I’m not OK.
It’s hard to explain how I feel but I’ll do my best.
I feel like a ghost. That’s the only way I can describe it. I feel as though I float around, occasionally someone will see me and interact with me. The novelty wears off and I’m back to being alone and a ghost again. I go back home to haunt the place I pretend to have a life in. I can cope with being alone but when my mind decides to step in everything get skewed.
I am tired. My brain has facts and gaps and the gaps are being filled in with bullshit.
A fear of mine is that people will get bored of me. It’s unsurprising that I have a complex about this since my wife left me.
I think people just get bored of me. There’s only so much people can stomach of me before they get bored.
I sometimes just want to write exactly what I’m thinking like a stream of consciousness. I’m having one of those times now. I just feel philosophical and reflective. To say the last couple of months have been eventful would be putting it bluntly. As tough as the time has been for me I feel stronger for it and I feel as though I’m making my way to a good place, albeit a very different one to what I am used to.
I’ve applied to rent a flat. It would be easier for me to stay where I am but my neighbours don’t like me, the flat I found is cheaper and this house holds too many memories for me and really, I need to start somewhere new. Almost as if it’s a “being born” again but as a different me to what I was.
We’re never really ourselves. Our minds are reshaping constantly. I’m not the same me who was around at the beginning of March. I’m a completely different person. I now have friends, I socialize. I’m also working on me feeling uncomfortable when I hug people. I’ve not done this before.
I feel truly blessed knowing the people that I know. Who’d have known I could find more people to like me.
Imperfectly excluded from their own packets.
A second chance looms in a place with other ones.
Perfectly included in a community.
Repackaged within a box of broken biscuits.
Lots in stock.
I am getting back on my feet. I’m looking into getting a flat of my own. I’m very excited about that prospect. I mean, I am currently living in a house that I can ill-afford between two neighbours who I can only say have a strange, strong dislike of me for whatever reason.
I’m surrounded by good people. I am fortunate in that way. I have a fantastic circle of friends and a family that I wouldn’t change for the world. Everyone is great.
I am writing this as I wait to start my second session of cognitive behavioral therapy. I think it has helped me so far. There have been times when I have had these horrible thoughts and I’ve been able to process them better which I am happy about.
I think that I am in a good place. I’ve not felt down for over a week and the suicidal thoughts haven’t been around for a few weeks. I am making great progress.